Mantras
by GazingAtTheStars
Summary: Angel gets a visit from someone he thought he would never see again, but want to so so much. set angel season five


**Hey guys! So I bet you didn't expect me to be back for a while. But this was in my head and I couldn't seem to stop thinking about it. In fact the real point of this fic should actually be in the second chapter. So yay! New fic! Enjoy! And as always please review!**

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_Just remember the Shanshu. Just remember the Shanshu _he kept repeating to himself like a mantra in his head. It was hard for him to go day to day working for the devil himself, Wolfram and Hart. But he had to believe that he was supposed to be here, that he could change the world and finally get the salvation that he needed.

The change to be with the one he loved. _Buffy. _His other mantra that he was telling himself when he wasn't focused on the humanity. He never loved Cordelia, sure he loved her as a friend, probably even a sister, but she could never be what Buffy- what Darla even- was for him.

He always had a thing for blondes.

He was sitting at his desk, 'looking over' case files, really all he was doing was signing his name and handing them off to the hell spawn- Employee. He realized that what he was doing was meaningless, this wasn't what he had in mind when he said 'fight them from the belly of the beast' unless the pen really is mightier than the sword , then in that case the hand craps he was experiencing should hurt much more than oh say, getting stabbed with a sword.

Lorne and Wes and Gunn and Fred seemed to love what they were doing. Not that he would know, they haven't been able to meet just as friends since the Nina incident. He didn't even want to think about Nina right now, sure she had a crush on him, but he knew he could never really return the feelings, even those as small as a crush.

And then there was Spike. He never knew what to think about Spike. One moment their out drinking- blood obviously- then the next they're trying to kill one another. And that had been when they were both evil! Now, it was just like Spike was only there as his comedy relief or something.

He took an unneeded breath, sighing, and wondering how in the hell he ended up here. _Oh yeah_ he though bitterly _to help the helpless by helping the wealthy and corrupted. That made sense. _

_Oh what would Buffy think if she saw me? _He thought hopelessly, knowing already that she disapproves, Andrew told him that much already. Even if he told her his motives, he knew she would tell him that there was a better way than to play their puppet. He then shuttered at the word _puppet _still too soon after the incident.

He heard a scuffle outside of his office doors, breaking him out of his brooding time.

"Harmony I don't give a flying fuck if he's busy, Angel will make time for me." _Buffy_, the first word that came to his mind, he would know her voice in a heartbeat, faster, being that his heart can't beat. He moved and crinkled papers around, trying to make it look like he was actually busy, instead of what everyone would expect of him: brood. Which was exactly what he was doing.

She barged through the doors, throwing both open in a dramatic like fashion. Much like he has done repeatedly. Harmony came trailing after Buffy, wearing too much pink as usual.

"Buffy." He uttered.

"Angel." She replied in the same tone of voice, like a prayer, making eye contact with him, and keeping it, not ever wanting to let go. That was as far as he would ever let them touch, just with their eyes.

"Umm, Bossy not to interrupt." Harmony said, interrupting. "But I told her you didn't want to be disturbed and-"

"Harmony," He stated sternly. "Get out." He tried to say as calmly as possible, not wanting to freak Buffy out.

"Gone." She said, finally learning not to medal in his business.

"So," He said, looking down at his shoes, "What brings you to L.A.?"

"I had the strangest dream the other night, it was about you and me at your old apartment, with peanut butter." He gulped and his eyes bulged. "Then there was the Santa Monica Pier and the Morah Demon. "Sound familiar?" She asked sarcastically.

_Oh god, _he thought, _she knows_

"Damn right I know. There was also a mantra 'I'll never forget. I'll never forget.'"

"Listen Buffy, I can explain." He started but still had his eyes glued on the floor, knowing that if he looked up he would just run to her and never let go.

"No Angel, I'm not going to listen, you've been keeping this huge secret from me for four years. You had Humanity! We could have finally been together! Do you remember that talk in the sewers? You know the one, you broke my heart, wanted me to have someone to take me into the sunlight and picnics and make love, and all that bullshit? Yeah, apparently I had that. But not with Riley, with you."

"Riley was better for you. I didn't like him but he was better." He admitted quietly.

"He wasn't what you wanted for me though. He never made love to me."

"But I thought you said-"

"Yes Riley and I had sex but that's all it was, just sex. You're the only one that ev-"

"Not even spike?"

She laughed dryly, almost scoffing. "Spike was a big mistake, he was the absence of you and when you told me not to come to you after I was brought back."

"You know that's not what I said."

"You said that you were needed in your city and I was needed in mine, you might as well have said don't bother talking to me."

They both paused awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

"Did you forget to tell me anything else?" she asked. "You're really a mermaid or something?"

He ignored the sarcasm, pretending to think for a few minutes then said "I don't think-"

"Bullshit." She accused of him, "Because I can think of a few things, like Darla? Cordelia? Cordelia going evil and dying? Your son? Spike being alive? How about the prophecy Angel, your Shanshu?" She asked the last question more fiercely, almost ready to cry. "Yet another chance at happiness and humanity and something else that starts with an 'h'"

"Hell?" he supplied.

She just stared at him. "I'm not really in the mood for your jokes Angel. You've kept your whole like in L.A. from me!"

"Well you haven't exactly been an open book either, Buffy."

"But at least I've given you the synopsis."

"How do you even know about all that anyways?"

"A little red-head bird told me. Then an annoying squawking one told me more. Speaking of which, you know that Andrew must be on medication because of what he told you about me not trusting you. You know that's not true right?"

"Of course." He said, knowing that he didn't, but hoping that she didn't know. "But how does Willow know all of that? All she was here for was to pick up Faith and to restore my soul."

Buffy's eyes jutted open in surprise. "You lost your soul?" she was outraged, and then all of the sudden was very quiet. "Was it Cordelia? Your new moment of perfect happiness?" she finally sat down in one of the chairs in front of his desk.

"Shhh, Buffy no." he crooned. "It wasn't her; we removed it so Angelus could tell information about the beast. You're the only one that's ever given me perfect happiness."

"But how-"

"A spell, a shaman came in and removed it, no actual perfect happiness." At that point, he was kneeling in front of her, arms surrounding and never planning to let go, whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

"Am I interrupting something?" an annoying voice asked from the door way.

Angel's eyes flashed gold. "What do you want Eve?" he practically growled out.

"Jees I was thinking with the slayer here you would be in a better mood." She looked at Buffy. "I guess you don't make him perfectly happy anymore." She said in a mockingly sweet tone of voice.

"Bite me." Buffy replied, using the same tone.

"Actually, I think that's his job," she pointed at Angel and the both glared at her.

"What. Do. You. Want?" Angel asked again, forcing out each word with clenched teeth.

"You have a meeting remember? You're missing it right now and FYI I'm not your secretary but this is important to the senior partners and imperative that you are there for it."

"Eve, I'm a little busy right now and frankly I don't give a damn about your meeting and I'm-"

"Leaving right now"

"What?" he asked Buffy.

"I came here to get answers, and I'm still pissed at you by the way, but I'd rather us talking in privacy and I have a feeling that that won't happen with Santa Barbra Barbie there" she pointed her thumb behind her shoulder at Eve. "I still need to catch us with other people in the city. You may have been my main reason for coming, but not the only one." She stood up and grabbed her purse from where she dropped it next to the chair. "I'll be back tonight?"

"Yeah, sure. Tonight." He replied.

They hugged, and before letting go she whispered in his ear, "By the way, I like seeing you in the sun." and left.

"So big guy what about that meeting?"

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**Okay guys! Until next chapter! By the way this is only gonna be a short little fic, but still please review! **


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